You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
