I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
