If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Every concussion has its silver lining
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
