After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
