Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
