her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
