This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
