fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
