seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
