I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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