I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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