You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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