This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
