Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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