My first STD was from a foam party
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
