Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Randomize
