i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize