hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
