remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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