I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
