I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
