it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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