i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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