He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
