Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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