I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
