today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
