the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
