I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just googled if crying burns calories
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I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
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Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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