I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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