me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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