Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
