just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
