why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
