So drunk its hurt
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
