You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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