the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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