I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
