I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
