Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
