I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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