i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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