Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
