My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
