Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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