Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
