My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
