my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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