I just pynch a tree in the face
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
