Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
