saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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