The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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