dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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