babies were throwing up all over the place
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
