Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
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Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
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When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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